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CALM THE F**K DOWN!

A Covid Bedtime Story

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"A great book to read at bedtime. Even to kids."

Lenore Skenazy
“America’s Worst Mom,” president of Let Grow and founder of Free-Range Kids

“This demonic book must be put to the flames of a thousand teeny candles, preferably with sparkles.”

Bret Stephens
Noted cancel culture opponent

“Calm down? Anathema! Getting hysterical during this pandemic is our only entertainment.”

Lionel Shriver
Noted opponent of practically everything

“This book is good for the soul – even if you don’t have one.”

Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay
Atheists

"Finally! A funny book about COVID! But the truth is, it’s about a lot more than that. ‘Calm the F**k Down’ is good advice for a lot of what ails us, both culturally and politically. It’s the perfect gift for the person in your life who seems to be freaking out about everything. Especially if that person is you."

Rob Long
Emmy-nominated Screenwriter

"The pandemic starts and you decide it's time to finally get through War and Peace, The Power Broker or Proust with a dose each night before bed. Notice that this is somehow NOT quite what the doctor ordered as a tonic for lousy times? This book actually is. Save 100 Years of Solitude for weekend afternoons and use Calm the F**k Down to get through the week itself."

John McWhorter
Contributing Editor at the Atlantic and host of Slate’s Lexicon Valley

"I love this book. When everything feels to be falling apart, out of control, it’s a great reminder that laughter is what holds us together as individuals and as a community."

Lynn Goldsmith
Award-winning Artist

"I used to work out, eat well and meditate to feel calmer during the pandemic, but who's got the time when we don't even know what day of the week it is? Now, I just read this book once daily before bed and I sleep like a baby... who wakes up in the middle of the night screaming and crying. Calm the F**k down is like a warm glass of milk before bed when you're lactose intolerant. "

Melanie Notkin
Best-selling Author

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In our politically polarized era, at least we can all agree that COVID sucks.

This politically incorrect bedtime book is for everyone living in the time of COVID. Absolutely profane and funny, it embraces the familiar and paranoid woes of making it through a day so you’re able to go to bed for the night.

Fall-on-the-floor funny (from a safe social distance), this book is a great gift for adults of all ages to help them take a deep breath of fresh (COVID-free) air, share a huge belly laugh, or get a good night’s sleep.

“This book is good for the soul – even if you don’t have one.”

Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay
Atheists

"Finally! A funny book about COVID! But the truth is, it’s about a lot more than that. ‘Calm the F**k Down’ is good advice for a lot of what ails us, both culturally and politically. It’s the perfect gift for the person in your life who seems to be freaking out about everything. Especially if that person is you."

Rob Long
Emmy-nominated Screenwriter

“This demonic book must be put to the flames of a thousand teeny candles, preferably with sparkles.”

Bret Stephens
Noted cancel culture opponent

“Calm down? Anathema! Getting hysterical during this pandemic is our only entertainment.”

Lionel Shriver
Noted opponent of practically everything

"The pandemic starts and you decide it's time to finally get through War and Peace, The Power Broker or Proust with a dose each night before bed. Notice that this is somehow NOT quite what the doctor ordered as a tonic for lousy times? This book actually is. Save 100 Years of Solitude for weekend afternoons and use Calm the F**k Down to get through the week itself."

John McWhorter
Contributing Editor at the Atlantic and host of Slate’s Lexicon Valley

"I love this book. When everything feels to be falling apart, out of control, it’s a great reminder that laughter is what holds us together as individuals and as a community."

Lynn Goldsmith
Award-winning Artist

"I used to work out, eat well and meditate to feel calmer during the pandemic, but who's got the time when we don't even know what day of the week it is? Now, I just read this book once daily before bed and I sleep like a baby... who wakes up in the middle of the night screaming and crying. Calm the F**k down is like a warm glass of milk before bed when you're lactose intolerant. "

Melanie Notkin
Best-selling Author

"A great book to read at bedtime. Even to kids."

Lenore Skenazy
“America’s Worst Mom,” president of Let Grow and founder of Free-Range Kids

“This demonic book must be put to the flames of a thousand teeny candles, preferably with sparkles.”

Bret Stephens
Noted cancel culture opponent

“Calm down? Anathema! Getting hysterical during this pandemic is our only entertainment.”

Lionel Shriver
Noted opponent of practically everything

"I love this book. When everything feels to be falling apart, out of control, it’s a great reminder that laughter is what holds us together as individuals and as a community."

Lynn Goldsmith
Award-winning Artist

"I used to work out, eat well and meditate to feel calmer during the pandemic, but who's got the time when we don't even know what day of the week it is? Now, I just read this book once daily before bed and I sleep like a baby... who wakes up in the middle of the night screaming and crying. Calm the F**k down is like a warm glass of milk before bed when you're lactose intolerant. "

Melanie Notkin
Best-selling Author

"A great book to read at bedtime. Even to kids."

Lenore Skenazy
“America’s Worst Mom,” president of Let Grow and founder of Free-Range Kids

"Finally! A funny book about COVID! But the truth is, it’s about a lot more than that. ‘Calm the F**k Down’ is good advice for a lot of what ails us, both culturally and politically. It’s the perfect gift for the person in your life who seems to be freaking out about everything. Especially if that person is you."

Rob Long
Emmy-nominated Screenwriter

“This book is good for the soul – even if you don’t have one.”

Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay
Atheists

"The pandemic starts and you decide it's time to finally get through War and Peace, The Power Broker or Proust with a dose each night before bed. Notice that this is somehow NOT quite what the doctor ordered as a tonic for lousy times? This book actually is. Save 100 Years of Solitude for weekend afternoons and use Calm the F**k Down to get through the week itself."

John McWhorter
Contributing Editor at the Atlantic and host of Slate’s Lexicon Valley

How is the book doing? Is it helping people?

I get a lot of fan mail. Today I heard from a single woman who lamented that she hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since early March. Her dating life has been cratered by COVID. She meets someone online, talks to him, video chats with him and then he interrogates her about all human contact in the past two weeks. Then they check the weather report and investigate restaurant capacity for outdoor dining, he overnights her a COVID rapid test, and on their next call, she coughs and the ‘relationship’ is over. She told me that she finally surrendered and threw out all her razors, arranged for a twice-weekly delivery of Rocky Road and Moose Tracks ice cream, and adopted 5 cats.

Then she read my book, and finally slept through the night.

What did you do when you had ‘writers block’?

Well, honestly, the same thing I’ve been doing since March: I went on a hunt for dust bunnies, I spent my savings on Amazon, and I became a master mixologist. But eventually I found my way back to this essential work of art.

Besides your new celebrity status as the town’s bestselling author, I heard you garnered some attention from your recent run-in with the law.

In my defense, before COVID, I really didn’t curse often, and I had never had a fight with another shopper. (Seriously, that never happened before.) I would like to formally apologize here to Pastor Jim and the management at Main Street Grocers for my outburst, and thank them for letting me keep that last roll of toilet paper.

Has your family been supportive?

My life partner, U.R. McNutty, could not have been more supportive. After only ten days into the lockdown, he built me a cell-signal and internet-free she-shed in the backyard so I could be completely undistracted in that writing studio. Even though he’s a master carpenter, his skills must have become a little rusty because I often found that the door automatically locked behind me and more than once, I was stuck in the shed for days, while he was left to fend for himself in the house.

What are your hopes for this book?

I’m thrilled to offer it to all the gift buyers out there who agree with me that COVID sucks. I hope it will make them happy and help them sleep. More than anything I hope it will become obsolete soon. (Please, soon.)

“Calm down? Anathema! Getting hysterical during this pandemic is our only entertainment.”

Lionel Shriver
Noted opponent of practically everything

“This demonic book must be put to the flames of a thousand teeny candles, preferably with sparkles.”

Bret Stephens
Noted cancel culture opponent

"I used to work out, eat well and meditate to feel calmer during the pandemic, but who's got the time when we don't even know what day of the week it is? Now, I just read this book once daily before bed and I sleep like a baby... who wakes up in the middle of the night screaming and crying. Calm the F**k down is like a warm glass of milk before bed when you're lactose intolerant. "

Melanie Notkin
Best-selling Author

"A great book to read at bedtime. Even to kids."

Lenore Skenazy
“America’s Worst Mom,” president of Let Grow and founder of Free-Range Kids

"Finally! A funny book about COVID! But the truth is, it’s about a lot more than that. ‘Calm the F**k Down’ is good advice for a lot of what ails us, both culturally and politically. It’s the perfect gift for the person in your life who seems to be freaking out about everything. Especially if that person is you."

Rob Long
Emmy-nominated Screenwriter

“This book is good for the soul – even if you don’t have one.”

Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay
Atheists

"I love this book. When everything feels to be falling apart, out of control, it’s a great reminder that laughter is what holds us together as individuals and as a community."

Lynn Goldsmith
Award-winning Artist

"The pandemic starts and you decide it's time to finally get through War and Peace, The Power Broker or Proust with a dose each night before bed. Notice that this is somehow NOT quite what the doctor ordered as a tonic for lousy times? This book actually is. Save 100 Years of Solitude for weekend afternoons and use Calm the F**k Down to get through the week itself."

John McWhorter
Contributing Editor at the Atlantic and host of Slate’s Lexicon Valley

Homemade Hand Sanitizer Recipe

© 2020 CTFD. A Covid Bedtime Story Book. Written by IVANA B. DUNNE. Illustrations by WALTER CARZON STUDIO.

Website Design by EasthallDesign.com

IVANA B. DUNNE

IVANA B. DUNNE graduated from MI School of Sleep Hygiene and OR Rhyming School for Non-Rhymers. She became inspired to write picture books in verse after years of bedtime-reading to her bewildered neighbors. Now she gets story ideas from her condo association. Her award-winning poetry has been read at the Pandemic Day-Drinkers Book Club, where she received their highest award for poetry: a half-bottle of chardonnay. When she isn’t writing, she loves re-counting her toilet paper rolls in case she counted wrong the first time. She lives with her life partner, condo association board president U.R. McNutty. 

WALTER CARZON

WALTER CARZON is an Argentinian freelance artist who designs illustrations, characters, and comics. His team at Walter Carzon studios offers creative services for publishing projects, merchandizing, and advertising

I. B. Dunne’s Homemade
Hand Sanitizer
Recipe

Ingredients:

Rubbing alcohol (91% isopropyl)

Aloe vera gel

Patchouli oil

Mixing bowl, spoon or whisk

Several empty travel toiletries bottles
labeled “hand sanitizer”

Directions:

Pour 2/3 cup of rubbing alcohol to the mixing bowl.

Add 1/3 cup of aloe vera gel.

Stir with spoon or whisk until blended.

Add 10 drops of patchouli oil
(so people will stay at least 6 feet away)
and stir again.

Pour mixture into “hand sanitizer” containers.

Apply liberally after touching surfaces
and whenever people get too close.